SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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