so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
