I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
