Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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