Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
