I didn't shave. On purpose
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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