We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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