I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
