The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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