Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
