in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
