Whats the glycemic index on semen?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
