Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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