I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
