Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
