Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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