I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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