I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
