Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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