I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
