I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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