Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
