drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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