So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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