Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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