i think my tv is drunk
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
