And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
