where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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