apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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