life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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