Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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