And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
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you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
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Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires