If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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