you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
