she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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