She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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