I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
