Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
