I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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