dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
