I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have already put on my inside pants.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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