dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
