please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
