even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
