i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
