So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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