Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
