census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
