Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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