I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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