I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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