so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
