I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
