you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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