I think my fart just growled at me.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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