The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
