Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
