i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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