I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
