im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
