My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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