you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
